Coach Ziana, CBT, CLC

STOP HIDING SHIT.

Endless opportunities and just as many “thirst traps” are busting the internet at its seams, and all of these opportunities sit conveniently right inside your pocket. 24/7/365. Thirty years ago we didn't have this problem, at least not to this insane extent. 

Each average-income household had one phone. It sat somewhere in the house where anyone could answer it. It was ATTACHED TO THE WALL, so you couldn't slink off somewhere private with the thing. The cord could be stretched but only so far.

When it rang, whomever got there first took the call, and passed it onto the person the call was for. If a strange caller rang to speak to someone's wife or husband, the spouse would want to know who it was and what they wanted. Back then, that was a reasonable question. Nobody had a shit fit, screaming "invasion of privacy!" It was a normal question, that required a reasonable answer. If it happened repeatedly, you would have to have had a damn good explanation or you'd find your bags packed and sitting on the front porch when you got home from work. And the locks changed.  

From where I'm sitting, I feel as if I'm watching the decline of moral consciousness spiralling downward in real time. Today, a partner is labelled “unreasonable, controlling,” or “too insecure” if they ask too many questions. And the idea of leaving one's phone unlocked or sharing that password is...well, as threatening as castration.

• Notifications are turned off so their partners can't hear them. OR...

• Phones sit face down just in case so-and-so tries to connect.

• Quickly switching screens when the Significant Other might get a glimpse of who they're chatting with.

• That phone goes EVERYWHERE with its owner. Including the bathroom.  Sometimes, especially the bathroom!

• Passwords protect all of these little secrets that destroy trust.

• We're expected to blindly trust as if there is no danger lurking, when danger always is.

• But all of it can be conveniently explained away with, “We're just friends,” or some other excuse that falls into that “gray area.” I've said this before but there IS no gray area. There are only lots of people inventing one to keep people in that confusing box of uncertainty, so as to continue doing what is not ethically sound.

Here's the thing:

If it was “Just friends” keeping ongoing private chats with them wouldn't be kept as guarded secret from one's partner. Committed individuals should make sure that this “friend” is fully aware that they are happily committed to their life partners, slamming the door to flirting even before it starts.

How?

Well, anytime someone online tries to deepen an emotional connection with one who is already in a committed relationship, the person being drawn in should be sure to mention their partner.  Every time. “My wife thinks this... My husband also does... My partner and I do that too...” Or how about this: “I'm happily married/committed to someone I adore. I get all the emotional support I need from her/him.”

That's what honest people do. They discourage emotional entanglement with people outside their relationship, if that relationship is valuable to them.  If you don't value your partner that much, then what are you still doing in that relationship?

If you somehow fell for the bait and went a bit off the rail, end it. Delete and Block. No explanations are needed. Stop making excuses for doing the right thing when both parties knew it was wrong to begin with. The only person one should be worried about hurting is one's real-life partner -- not some online fling. Let's call a spade a spade.

• Giving someone the impression you could be persuaded is dishonorable behaviour, such as, “I'm sorry, but I'm married/have a partner...” Are you sorry you have a partner? Really? Because that's the message you're sending. Don't be sorry. Be mature and trustworthy. Without apology. “I'm happily married/in a relationship.” End of story. No further explanations needed. They will get the message, believe me. If they don't, and persist in trying to reel you in: DELETE AND BLOCK. No excuses needed. Protect your real-life relationship against predators. Period.

• Flirty jokes on their Social Media posts and in private messages is considered cheating. You know better.

• Trying to impress people you find attractive, such as deliberately posting content on Social Media that will get your secret crush's attention. They love soccer? You've never liked that sport in your life, now all of a sudden you're posting stuff about soccer...especially about the team you know your secret crush likes. They love Thai food. All of a sudden, you do too! What a coincidence! Not. Again, stop fishing. You know better.

• Encouraging secret friendships your partner doesn't know about, and following them too closely on Social Media. As if your partner won't catch on. They will. They always DO.

• Switching to a different Social Media platform or private chat room to keep your secret communications under cover when your partner catches on and asks you to stop.

• Always commenting or liking their posts and pictures/videos. Stop sniffing around side dishes that are not on your own dinner table.

Why does anyone even have to explain this?

Wait, I know. It's that convenient “gray area” that most sensible people know does not really exist in the first place. Let's be true to our partners and not fall for Thirst-traps, Attention mongers, Sadfishing, or any other games that people play in this I/Me/My world.

Let's make the resurgence of honesty the new norm. Just stop hiding shit from your partner. It's that simple.

Coach Ziana.

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