Coach Ziana, Cognitive Behavioral Therapist...coach-ziana.com.
Coach Ziana
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You are so much more than you think you are.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapist.
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Blog: Nowhere To Hide
Don't let them fool you. You are not your fancy car, your modern devices, implants, body type, hair color, designer clothing, or anything else that Social Media pressures you into being. If you could grow into the greatest "you" that you were meant to be, you'd never need to copy anyone else -- ever again. You would be the "influencer," not the "influenced."
Before diving into the deep end, I'd like to say that Social Media can be a wonderful way to meet new people, build friendships, promote great causes, provide us with world news, build businesses, and so on. It can be just so amazing. I've met some really terrific people whom I hope will be friends for life. Some legitimately single people have met their soul mates on these platforms, but these are not the reasons I'm writing this blog. Social Media does have a very dark underbelly.
I've been on Social Media for about 14 years, and in the past few I've noticed more and more of these memes (see right column) as I scroll down my newsfeed. I suppose that for a time, those who cheated online were more careful. As time goes by and this behaviour becomes more and more normalized, those who engage in these activities have become bolder and more careless. Partners who looked the other way while hoping for the best are discovering that burying one's head in the sand didn't make the problem go away, after all.
Those who have been cheated on are getting bitter, sadder, angrier, and much wiser. There's just nowhere to hide anymore. The thing is, men and women who skip around Social Media "spreading the love" seem to forget that these are not intimate little moments shared between only them and the objects of their affections. They might as well be wearing a sign that reads, "I'm easy," because what one puts out on Social Media is public domain, available for the whole world to see. What's more, it's an insult to the Significant Other.
A certain Social Media site has this neat little feature that shows up in our newsfeeds. It reads, "Do you know this person?" or something like that. There's a bar beneath that with photos of people this app seems to think you might want to send a friend request to. But this app also gives information on which of your friends are already friends with that person. So, can you imagine how some eyebrows must slide up when Daisy Marriedlady sees a photo of some bikini-clad gal show up in these photos, hovers on the pic (or just below it) to discover that her husband is a friend of this woman she's never before seen in her life. So she clicks on over there to discover that dear sweet hubby has been dropping hearts and showering compliments on everything that this gal has posted for months. And for just as long, this other woman has been responding back with words of encouragement. At this point Daisy might confront her husband, who leaps into "deny everything" mode, along with turning the tables to play victim and accuse her of spying on him. Daisy might ask, "How can you call it spying if you're doing this out in the open for the world to see?"
Those who have been cheated on are eagerly awaiting that special moment when these Social Media sites invents a notification that alerts them, "Your boyfriend is currently engaged in an intimate private chat with Susie Whatshername. Would you like to join the conversation?" Perhaps that will be the day that Social Media activities drop to shockingly low numbers.
See the "Statistics" in the right hand column, with links to my sources included. To say that this is a problem would be the understatement of the year, but if we mention this to anyone who is actually doing any of these things, they would probably vehemently deny that it applies to them.
Be Well Therapy Group writes: “Unlike the physical act of driving over to your lover’s house and having sex, sending messages via social media is an act of unfaithfulness that doesn’t leave the online world. This makes the affair feel as if it isn’t as real as a physical act of betrayal...
Moreover, cheating that only exists online is less likely to be detected by the person’s significant other. A physical affair typically leaves a trail of sensory signals that alert the other person of the illicit event. An affair via social media, on the other hand, is completely absent from the real, physical world. If an unfaithful partner succeeds in keeping their phone and laptop hidden from view, there’s no way for their S.O. to know about their secret relationship... “
They go on to say what qualifies as online cheating:
"Sending intimate photos, setting up fake accounts, frequently erasing browser history, commenting on someone else's photos," for example: "While it may seem harmless in the moment, leaving a comment on your crush’s photo on Instagram can be interpreted as an act of infidelity. Even a seemingly innocent comment can send the wrong kind of message to your significant other. While there’s nothing wrong with posting a quick “congrats” under a graduation or wedding pic, you should probably think twice about commenting on your ex’s abs in a shirtless shot of him at the beach.”
Link to full story: How Social Media Has Redefined The Rules of Infidelity.
As Social Media platform users become more and more impacted by the negative effects of the 24/7/365 connectivity that these sites provide, more research continues to be conducted on this disturbing trend. However, the general consensus seems to boil down to a few common-sense pointers:
If your Significant Other would be upset by knowing that you're sending intimate private messages to someone else online, don't do it. It's cheating.
If you wouldn't be comfortable knowing that your Significant Other could see all the heart emogies and "likes" you're dropping on someone else's pictures, don't do it. Nothing you do online is invisible. The whole world can see it, including your S.O.
If you're married or committed to someone you're supposed to love, and you've been floating around on Social Media trying to give the impression that you're available, you're already cheating.
If the idea of your S.O. gaining access to your phone, computer, or Social Media accounts throws you into a panic attack...what are you hiding? If you shouldn't be doing whatever it is that you're trying to hide, then stop doing it before you ruin your own life, the lives if your kids if you have any, and the life of your spouse, as well. If you're sincere about wanting to spend the rest of your life with your S.O., keeping secrets is not the way to go.
Many lives will suffer the long-term damages caused by a few cheap, online thrills. They are not harmless.
Cheating doesn't start in anyone's bedroom. It never did. Back in the prehistoric era (somewhere between dinosaurs and the advent of Social Media) cheating often happened with someone at work, a neighbour, a friend of a friend. It was a question of proximity, availability, free time to dash out, do the dirty, and then rush back home.
These days, every minute of every day is flooded with opportunity. It's almost as if physical infidelity has been replaced by psychological infidelity, to a large extent. It starts with a "like," that is followed by a "chat," that is followed by more of the same, until you find yourself intertwined so deeply that you will risk losing your entire family, your reputation, and all that means anything to you, just for the sake of a few dopamine buzzes.
The person we should be trying to develop meaningful, emotional ties with is the spouse or partner we already have. That is the meaning of exclusivity. When we promise another individual that we are exclusively theirs, we are crossing the line when we try to nurture or encourage non-platonic emotional or physical intimacy with another. It's no more complicated than that.
If you don't love the person you're with enough to be loyal, without seeking "feel-goods" from someone on the outside when your real relationships has hit a few bumps, then you're most likely not emotionally mature enough to make a long-term commitment to anyone. Not even the one you're cheating with, who will most likely become the next one cheated on, once you get bored with her, too. It may be time to seek professional help, because Social Media is more addictive than nicotine or alcohol--and that's a fact.
Listen, there are no saints among us. I think it's fair to say that when most people first signed up with these Social Media sites, they were not ready for the flood of compliments they received from people looking for side-dishes. So maybe all of this attention did turn their heads for a bit because they weren't used it. Maybe some slid just a little bit over into the dark side, but those with basically good judgement or a functional conscience most likely woke up one morning asking themselves what the hell they were doing -- and put a stop to that nonsense immediately. Don't beat yourself up too badly for buying into the game for a while, but bailed out once realizing that it was harmful. Congratulations for stepping up your game and changing that behaviour. Well done!
Some engage in this behaviour as an unhealthy means of seeking validation, which is deep enough to warrant a blog page of its own, so that's what my next blog will be about. Please check back, and I'll try to shed some light on that issue next time.
Others jumped right into the cheating game and never jumped back out. They like it down in that cesspool. 'Nut said about that.
Until next time, please be aware that it's not always safe out there in Cyber-land.
Coach Ziana.
"There is a four-syllable word that isn't regarded as being very important anymore; it is as hard to find as good customer service. That word is 'integrity.'
Integrity describes the good, decent things we do when nobody is watching."
STATISTICS:
According to Censuswide, Social Media is blamed in one of seven divorces. In the United States, there were 673,989 divorces in the years 2000 – 2022. That's 14.286% (about 96,313 divorces directly related to social media use, in the USA alone.) I'm getting too nervous to start researching those numbers globally, so let's leave it at that for now: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm#:~:text=Number%20of%20divorces%3A%20673%2C989%20(45,45%20reporting%20States%20and%20D.C.)
Nearly two-thirds of Tinder users admitted they were already in relationships – some of them married while they were using the app. Tinder has 75 million active users monthly. That's 50,000,000 (fifty-million) people already in relationships (who were willing to admit they were married) looking to hook up with someone other than their spouses. That number could be even higher if we suppose that some didn't want to come out and admit they were married.
One in ten adults admits to hiding messages and posts from their significant other.
Eight percent of adults in relationships admit to having secret accounts.
Real Stories:
I knew a fairly wealthy woman who got into the habit of “sexting” other men while her husband was at work. She went through a series of different men. Last I heard, one of them was threatening to share copies of their online texts with her husband if she didn't send him large amounts of money. Yes, this could happen to you, too.
Another lady – a really sweet gal — got involved with a "player" online. At first he seemed like a nice guy and didn't ask for revealing photos. It started out as friendship, and grew into what she was led to believe was “true love.” She flew to a nearby state to meet him in person, and spend an entire weekend with him. After he got her into bed, he promptly dropped her, claiming that “the magic” just wasn't there, in person. She was absolutely crushed, and flew home the same day that she arrived, to suffer in silent regret while she recovered. She was too ashamed to tell anyone how the story ended but she wondered how many other women he had done this to. Yes, it could happen to you, too.
A thirteen year-old girl met a young man online, whom she believed was her own age, who wanted to be friends, so they chatted behind the scenes in private messaging. He was from the same city so she agreed to meet him in her schoolyard after school. Moments after arranging that meeting, he sent her a naked photo of himself. She became terrified and told her mother, who called the police. The police met him in the schoolyard and arrested him. He twenty-eight years old. It was later discovered that he had a history of pedophilia. Yes, this could happen to your kid, too.
Please be careful out there.
Nowhere To Hide: Social Media Infidelity.
Stillinger Investigations: How to Recognize an Online Cheater.
Make a difference...share your story.
If Social Media Addiction and/or misuse has negatively impacted your life or the lives of those you love, you may be part of the solution by sharing your story. I'm not asking for your real name. In fact, please do not give your real name or the real names of anyone involved, for your own privacy and protection. Just share your story honestly and from the heart by using the form below to contact me. I am sorry for all you've been through, and I thank you for your courage in advance.
Photo courtesy of Lisa Folios
Connect with Coach Ziana to share your story.
Teen Suicide Hotline.
PLEASE use it. You are so precious and valuable. You ARE worthy. You are loved.
9-8-8: Suicide Crisis Helpline. Call or text.
Hours: 24/7
Website: https://988.ca
I'll try to find more for different countries.