🐇 WHEN WE KEEP DOING THINGS WE KNOW AREN'T GOOD FOR US.

When knowing better doesn't seem to make us do better, what's that about? We know we should probably go to bed earlier. We know we should eat better. We know that scrolling for another two hours isn't going to improve our lives. We know that sending the angry text probably isn't going to end well. We know the relationship is hurting us. We know the cigarette is bad for us. We know the credit card bill isn't going to magically disappear.

And yet...
we do the thing anyway. Sometimes repeatedly. Sometimes while fully aware that we're doing it.

That raises a rather irritating question: If we know something isn't good for us, why don't we simply stop doing it? It seems like it should be easy. Information goes in. Brain understands information. Brain changes behaviour. Problem solved.

Theoretically.  Except that's not how human beings work.

🧠 Knowing and doing are two different systems.

One of the first things we have to get rid of is the assumption that knowledge automatically produces behaviour. It doesn't. Knowing that something is harmful gives us information. It doesn't necessarily give us the motivation, emotional readiness, habits, skills, environment, or immediate incentive required to change.

Sometimes what we know intellectually is competing against something that feels much more compelling right now. Consider the difference between: “This will probably be bad for me eventually,” and, “This feels really good right now.”

The future is asking for restraint.
The present is offering a reward.
And the present tends to have a very persuasive sales department.

🎯 The problem with “eventually.”

A lot of the things we know are bad for us don't hurt immediately. The consequences are delayed. You don't gain ten pounds because you ate one cookie. You don't develop a problematic habit because you checked your phone once. You don't destroy a relationship with one thoughtless comment. You don't wreck your finances with one small purchase.

The brain gets to experience the immediate consequence: pleasure, relief, stimulation, comfort, escape, excitement, connection. The negative consequence may be somewhere down the road.

Psychologically, down the road is a very different place from right now.
This is one reason immediate rewards can compete so effectively with long-term goals.

🔄 Then there's habit.

Sometimes we're not making a fresh decision every time we do something. We've simply learned a pattern.

• Cue.

• Behaviour.

• Reward.

• Repeat.
  

Eventually, the behaviour can become increasingly automatic. You don't necessarily sit down and announce: “I have carefully considered my options and have decided to spend the next forty minutes scrolling.” You just reach for the phone,  open the app, and  start scrolling.

Somewhere along the way you realize, “Oh, for frig''s sake. I've been doing this for forty minutes.” Knowing you shouldn't do it didn't necessarily enter the decision-making process in time. The behaviour had already started.

❤️ Sometimes the behaviour is doing a job.

This is where things get considerably more interesting. We tend to ask, “Why would someone keep doing something that's bad for them?" Maybe the better question is:
“What is the behaviour doing for them?”

• Maybe it provides relief.

• Maybe it reduces anxiety.

• Maybe it distracts from loneliness.

• Maybe it provides stimulation when life feels boring.

• Maybe it creates a temporary feeling of control.

• Maybe it provides validation.

• Maybe it helps someone avoid an uncomfortable thought or emotion.

• Maybe it simply feels good.
  

A behaviour can be harmful in the long term and still be functional in the short term. That matters, because if we remove the behaviour without understanding the job it was doing, we may discover that the brain simply goes looking for another way to accomplish the same thing.

🐇 The Rabbit Hole

What if some of the behaviours we call self-sabotage aren't really attempts to hurt ourselves at all? What if they're attempts to solve an immediate problem using a strategy that has consequences we don't particularly like?

The person who procrastinates may not be lazy, but they might be avoiding anxiety. The person who repeatedly checks their phone may not simply lack discipline but they hey may be seeking stimulation, connection, novelty or relief from boredom. Someone who keeps returning to an unhealthy relationship may not be incapable of recognizing the problem. The relationship may also be providing something they desperately want.

None of this makes the consequences disappear. Understanding a behaviour doesn't automatically excuse it but it can make the behaviour make sense, and that's a very different thing.

⚖️ Two competing goals.

Sometimes the conflict is brutally simple: Part of you wants what feels good now while another part wants what will be good for you later. Those aren't necessarily the same thing. You can genuinely want to lose weight and genuinely want the piece of cheesecake, too. As me, I know that one really well!

You can genuinely want financial security and genuinely want the new shoes. You can genuinely want a good night's sleep and genuinely want to watch one more episode. You can genuinely want a healthy relationship and genuinely want the comfort, familiarity or validation offered by an unhealthy one.

But this is NOT  necessarily hypocrisy. It can be competing motivations. Humans are remarkably good at experiencing contradictory desires simultaneously. Does the saying, "Wants to have his cake and eat it too" sound familiar?

🧠 So we rationalize.

Once we've done something we know we probably shouldn't have done, the brain may try to reduce the discomfort created by that contradiction. It can look something like this:

“It's only this once.”
“I've had a rough week.”
“I deserve it.”
“Everyone does it.”
“I'll start tomorrow.”

Sometimes those statements are perfectly reasonable, but sometimes they're just bullshit wearing a little rational hat.

The interesting question isn't, “Am I making excuses?” as much as it is, “Am I explaining my behaviour—or am I protecting myself from having to change it?”

Ouch.

So why doesn't knowledge fix the problem?

Why indeed.  It could be because human behaviour isn't controlled by knowledge alone. Behaviour emerges from a messy interaction between things like: habit, reward, emotion, environment, attention, motivation, social influences, immediate consequences, delayed consequences, expectations, and learned associations.

Sometimes the behaviour wins because the reward is immediate, or because the habit is strong, or because the behaviour is meeting an emotional need. Sometimes it's because the environment makes the behaviour ridiculously easy.  Sometimes it's because we just haven't found a better strategy yet.

Try This:

The next time you catch yourself saying, “I know better. Why the hell am I still doing this?”

Try changing the question. Instead of, “What's wrong with me?” ask, “What am I getting from this behaviour right now?”

Then ask: “What problem is this behaviour solving?”

Finally: “What could give me the same benefit without the same cost?”

That last question matters because telling ourselves to “just stop” isn't always a strategy. There are times when we need to understand the machinery before we can change the output. Maybe that's the most interesting thing about human behaviour.

We can know exactly what we should do and still have perfectly understandable reasons for doing something else. Understanding those reasons doesn't remove responsibility but it gives us somewhere to start.

~ Ziana.

Ziana de Bethune