Coach Ziana

Don't let them fool you. You are not your fancy car, your modern devices, implants, body type, hair color, designer clothing, or anything else that Social Media pressures you into being. If you could grow into the greatest "you" that you were meant to be, you'd never need to copy anyone else -- ever again. You would be the "influencer," not the "influenced."

Social Media Texting: What's ok, and what is not.

Photo Credit: Cottonbro Studios.

Many of us are still learning how to navigate the Social Media world, and often cross the lines of what is acceptable and what is not, in terms of the texting the spouses or partners of others in platforms like Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, WhatsApp, and so on.  
Most of us do not break those rules on purpose, so it's best not to assume the worst.  However, others DO cross the lines on purpose. Most of us have received flirty private messages from people who know very well that we are married/in relationships.

Some don't even know what those boundaries ARE.

I've taken the time to garnish a pile of information so what you see here is the data compiled by professionals on this topic matter. Knowledge is power, and in this case, knowing can make the difference between honouring our true, real-life partners or hurting them. It can make the difference between building a relationship that lasts, or one that you bury in the Social Media Relationship Cemetery.

Before I get into Netiquette, here are some stats you might find interesting:

High Usage by Lawyers: Over 80% of divorce attorneys report using social media evidence in cases, a significant increase from a decade prior.

• Common Evidence Source: Facebook was a primary source in many cases (around 66%), but Instagram, WhatsApp, and Twitter are also major players now.

• Reasons for Use: Evidence of adultery, hidden assets, lifestyle changes (drug/alcohol use), and poor parental fitness are frequently found online.

• Impact on Cases: Social media posts can affect property division, spousal support (alimony), and child custody/visitation decisions.

• Digital Misconduct: In the UK, nearly 30% of divorces cited emotional cheating or online affairs as a primary reason, notes a 2023 study by Slater and Gordon.

  
  

  NETIQUETTE: The core principle of netiquette when texting a person who is married or in a committed relationship is transparency and respect for the couple's boundaries. Generally, it is best to avoid any private communication that you would not want their spouse to see.

  
  

• Key Netiquette Guidelines
  1. Communicate openly: Assume all communication could be seen by the spouse.
  2.  Keep it public: Whenever possible, communicate in a group chat that includes the spouse, especially for social matters.
  3. Purpose-driven texts: Limit one-on-one texts to necessary, clear, and professional or logistical information (e.g., work coordination, event planning with mutual friends).
  4. Avoid sensitive topics: Do not discuss personal or emotional details that are not openly shared with their partner. Confiding in someone other than their partner can be a form of emotional cheating.
  5. Maintain appropriate tone: Keep the tone friendly and professional, avoiding any flirtatious language, suggestive emojis, or inside jokes that might be misconstrued.
  6. Be mindful of timing: Avoid texting late at night or during the couple's dedicated time (e.g., date nights, family time), as this can be disruptive and disrespectful.
  7. Respect the relationship: The ultimate guide is to ensure your communication does not compromise the exclusivity or trust of their primary relationship. 
  
  TIP: If you are unsure whether a text is appropriate, ask yourself:
  - Would I be comfortable if my own partner or the other person's spouse read this text message? Better still: Would I be comfortable inviting their spouse into the conversation for a three-way chat?
  - Is there a valid, non-personal reason for this private conversation? If it's too private to share with the spouse of the person you're texting, then it's too personal to be texting someone else's spouse about it at all.
  - By adhering to these principles, you help maintain boundaries and show respect for the existing relationship. 
  

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My personal thoughts on this.  The above was garnished from reliable sources, as I mentioned above.  The following is what I have come to realize: 

Nothing we do online is invisible from our partner's eyes. We leave footprints everywhere we go. What we don't know does hurt us because it drains energy from our real-life relationships that can be detected by our intuition. We all have that. We just know when something is off.  Don't we?

When we enter into a mutually-exclusive, long-term relationship we are essentially promising to forsake all others, unless you have an agreement drawn up between the two of you that stipulates, "forsake all others except on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, WhatsApp, Tinder, and all other social media platforms."

If you're texting someone else's partner a "good morning," and "have a good sleep" every day, you're already crossing the line toward emotional infidelity.  We don't send those out first thing in the morning or last thing at night to people we're "just friends" with.  We do send them to best friends though, and your best friend in most cases should be your spouse, not the other woman, or the other man.  Let's keep it real here.

Pretty much every app has a bright green dot on your profile if you're currently active, or something like this timestamp
< 7 indicating that you were on line 7 minutes ago, for example. Or so-an-so was last online "2 hours ago." It doesn't take a genius to figure out who was online with whom at any given time.

Look, it's not Rocket Science. Just be a decent human being and stop texting other people's spouses for your daily dopamine rushes.  Text your own spouse for those.  Work on strengthening the bonds of your own relationship by texting your own partner with intimate or personal details about your thoughts, your dreams, your family life, your sexy emogies, your problems, and so on.

If you need to talk to someone ABOUT your marriage problems or your spouse, then you should be speaking to a counsellor, religious leader, sister, brother, mother, father, or the like.  NOT another man, or woman you're having private chats with on Social Media.  Knock it off. If you're not into your partner anymore, do the decent thing and end the relationship. Then go find someone SINGLE to hit on and leave other people's relationships alone. 

If you've been doing this UNINTENTIONALLY, do the right thing and stop immediately.  Please.  Don't hurt your partners anymore than they've already been hurt by this online free-for-all madness. Marriages and lifelong committments are supposed to be sacred. Please treat them with respect.

That's my two cents worth.  I can do that here.  It's MY website. My mission here is to repair some of the damages being done by social media abuse. Somebody has to do it.  

Anyone who really knows me knows that I do not make up shit, I do not skew the truth in my own favour. I have zero tolerance for bullshit, and even less for people who seem to think I'm too stupid to see through bullshit. I reveal correct, statistical data based on sound research.

And I sure as hell will not back down when I'm fighting for something I believe in.  God gave me a voice and I'm going to use it here to try to make some positive changes in this ever-decaying society.

If you have any questions feel free to email me at: coachziana@gmail.com.

If you have a story to share about how social media  played a role in destroying  your world and your relationship, email me at that place as well. Share your story if. you think it may help others. I will not ever real your true identity.  

Until next time.  Please be nice to one another.
Coach Zee.

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