Coach Ziana

Don't let them fool you. You are not your fancy car, your modern devices, implants, body type, hair color, designer clothing, or anything else that Social Media pressures you into being. If you could grow into the greatest "you" that you were meant to be, you'd never need to copy anyone else -- ever again. You would be the "influencer," not the "influenced."

What Is Considered Cheating?

Photo Credit: Cottonbro Studios.

Let's Define Cheating.

Following my blog about Social Media Netiquette, regarding ongoing online texting with people who are married or have life partners, I was asked the question, "What is considered cheating?"

Great question! Times have changed, and so have the parameters. I did my research, as I usually do, and then finally decided to go with the AI Overview because it encapsulates what mostly everyone in the field of relationship counselling (and divorce lawyers!) believes to apply. 

So for those who want to know, here is the rundown:

Cheating in a relationship is a betrayal of trust, involving a partner engaging in emotional, sexual, or romantic intimacy with someone else outside the agreed-upon boundaries of their committed relationship, often through secrecy, breaking promises, or violating established rules, whether in monogamous or non-monogamous structures. It's about breaking exclusivity, and its definition depends on the couple, but generally includes actions like physical affairs, emotional investment elsewhere, or even intense online interactions (cyber cheating).

Key Aspects of Cheating

• Breach of Trust: At its core, cheating is a violation of the loyalty and faith expected in a partnership.

• Violation of Boundaries: It's breaking the specific rules or agreements (spoken or unspoken) about exclusivity that the couple has made.

• Secrecy & Betrayal: Actions are often hidden, creating deception and emotional harm.

Common Types of Infidelity

• Sexual Cheating:

  Physical intimacy (kissing, intercourse, sexual touching) with someone else.

• Emotional Cheating:

  Developing deep emotional bonds, sharing intimacy, or feeling more emotionally invested in someone outside the relationship.

• Cyber Cheating:

  Flirtatious or intimate online interactions, sexting, or excessive digital communication with others.

• Micro Cheating:

  Small, secretive actions like

  • deleting texts,

  • hiding social media use,

  • or being overly secretive with phones, which erode trust.

In Non-Monogamous Relationships

• Cheating isn't about being with others, but rather violating the agreed-upon rules and consent for engaging with other partners, such as not disclosing dates or crossing established boundaries.

Defining "Cheating" for Your Relationship

• Since definitions vary, many experts suggest asking: "Is this something I would be comfortable with my partner knowing?" or "Does this action violate our agreed-upon rules for loyalty and exclusivity?"

  
  

  On a topic that seems as if it would have a huge grey area, it's really pretty cut and dried. So to repeat what I said in the last blog: If you wouldn't feel comfortable inviting your life partner or spouse to join the conversation for a three-way chat, you shouldn't be doing it.  If you're doing it behind your partner's back, that's cheating. It's the secrecy that kills more than anything else. When it comes to relationships, hiding and sneaking around to engage in connections with someone else is just shady behaviour. It's really that simple.

  People send me emails with personal stories. I've heard of a number of ways that cyber-cheaters operate. Some will give the appearance of breaking connections with the person they're secretly texting on one platform if they think their partner is becoming suspicious, and move their private chats over to another platform. And these same people accuse their partners of being "too sensitive" or imagining things, or they accuse them of spying, and so on. Can you believe that??? By the way, playing with someone's mind and telling them that they're not seeing what they are actually seeing is called GASLIGHTING. And that's a form of mental and emotional abuse.

  I heard from one gentleman (let's call him Sam) who said his wife claimed to be "just friends" with the man she was privately chatting with online. (Let's call Sam's wife, Mary.) The other man was, by the way, Mary's boss, so she used that as an excuse to always take his private messages at strange hours.  It was about work, after all. What Sam didn't know was that across the city, the wife of Mary's boss also began getting suspicious. Her husband's behaviour was getting strange. He began protecting his phone, silencing his notifications so she wouldn't know someone was trying to contact him, things like this. After getting all her ducks in a row, the boss's wife contacted Sam to alert him that something was going on between her husband and Mary. Apparently, there are private investigators online who can dig stuff up that most people think disappear after they "delete." Long story short, the boss's wife had enough proof to expose the affair. So...two divorces happened, two families broken apart, lots of heartache. Yes, kids were involved.  About two years after the divorce, Mary, Sam's ex-wife, got served divorce papers again.  Same reason: Cheating online, and offline.

  
  Sam said, "One thing is for sure, if a woman cheats on you, after she leaves you for him, she'll cheat on him with someone else.  There's my revenge right there.  He can have her and all the problems that came with her."

  
  
  About this "We're just friends" business.  "Just friends" don't text you every day.  If they really were "just friends," real friends would never want to cause problems in your relationship by engaging in secret texting. They'd understand without needing an explanation. In fact, they'd ask WTF you were doing if they found out you were cyber-cheating, and bitch-slap you for being so stupid.  THAT'S what real friends do.  They don't cause problems.  They help solve them.

  Until next time...

  Love your sweetheart the way he/she deserves.
  Coach Zee.

Go to Part 3: Life After Infidelity.

Make a difference...share your story.

If Social Media Addiction and/or misuse has negatively impacted your life or the lives of those you love, you may be part of the solution by sharing your story. I'm not asking for your real name. In fact, please do not give your real name or the real names of anyone involved, for your own privacy and protection. Just share your story honestly and from the heart by using the form below to contact me. I am sorry for all you've been through, and I thank you for your courage in advance.

Photo courtesy of Lisa Folios

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