Coach Ziana

Don't let them fool you. You are not your fancy car, your modern devices, implants, body type, hair color, designer clothing, or anything else that Social Media pressures you into being. If you could grow into the greatest "you" that you were meant to be, you'd never need to copy anyone else -- ever again. You would be the "influencer," not the "influenced."

Love 'em or Lose 'em. Part 4

Photo Credit: Cottonbro Studios.

This is the last instalment on this topic of texting/messaging other people's spouses. Since I first published this segment I came back in here to soften up the language because I had come down onto this topic like Thor's hammer. I'll try to make this more palatable.

I think I've covered just about all that I can in this regard, except the following: If your spouse/partner is not comfortable with you private messaging anyone online, through the use of any and all apps, it's advisable to stop doing so immediately. Saying "Oh, we're just friends" won't work. 82% of unfaithful partners had an affair with someone who began as a "just a friend," highlighting how deep connections form before crossing the line. Moreover, people who engage in online affairs are three times more likely to do it again, according to research. It's ESPECIALLY wrong if you're doing this behind your partner's back. That is flat-out betrayal. So please reconsider before this behaviour becomes an addictive lifestyle.

If your partner has told you that he or she is not comfortable with you private messaging or texting a certain person, and you choose to ignore your partner's concerns, that is a blatant statement of disregard and disrespect, which is justifiable cause for them to leave you. Yes. Leave you. A partner will only tolerate this sort of adolescent rebellion until  they're finally fed up -- and then they'll be gone. If you're okay with that, and okay with losing total respect of everyone you know then keep doing what you're doing until it blows up in your face and your spouse does leave. That's your choice, and your own consequence to face. I'm only here to raise awareness.

If you're the one being disregarded for an online thrill, before you come crashing down on the person who is "trying to steal" your partner, consider this:

It is only happening because your partner allows or encourages it.

The fact that he or she does encourage or allow it tells you more than you need to know about their level of love and respect for you. Maya Angelou said something like, "Let them do what they want to do, and they'll show you what they'd rather do.  There, you'll find all your answers."

I am not giving a free pass to “the other person,” or anyone who flirts with, encourages deep emotional bonding with, or engages in sexting with someone else's spouse online, offline, or anywhere else. They know your partner is in a relationship and yet they cross that line. That says a lot about the character of the person your significant other is secretly exchanging texts/messages/calls with. Who in there has the least bit of consideration for you, the person being cheated ON? Neither of them, is the answer.

[See the definition of "cheating" in Part 2.]

Some women who enjoy the dopamine buzz of texting with someone else's partner would have a total meltdown if they discovered that another woman was secretly texting THEIR partner. And then there's the other side of the coin: 

Women who do this often attract men with low self-esteem issues, who need to feel like heroes. The two feed off of each other, resulting in what becomes emotional dependance on people outside their primary relationships, which in turn, is what is known as “emotional infidelity.” This includes but is not limited to complimenting each other on how great they are, how nice they look, how understanding they are, what a sweet gal, what a great guy, etc. She's ever-so-appreciative of him always being there for her and so enjoys his good morning texts and good night messages. She always says just the right things to make him think she's a sweet little angel or a poor little victim, and he's ever-so-thankful that he can help her when she needs a strong shoulder to lean on, or just “someone to talk to.”

REALITY CHECK TIME: Here's the kicker: This woman you're cheating with online -- she's only sweet and understanding because she doesn't have to live with your flaws 24/7/365.  You're enamoured with this woman because you don't have to listen to her complaining about you texting other women or watch her squeezing her ass into her Spanx before going to an event.  The "halo effect" wears off sooner or later, and then we all become ordinary.  Google the "Halo Effect."  It's a thing.

Let's call this what it is. A dangerous game.

Women appealing to men's egos by making them feel like heroes is a game that's been going on since time began. This emotional tugging is damaging his relationship with his real life partner.  

I heard a saying, “You keep dancing with the devil, and then wonder why you're still in hell.”

If you're already deep-diving into the cesspool of infidelity, please consider this: every minute of every day provides every single one of us with an opportunity to change bad habits into good ones, and to become the kind of human beings that we ourselves could respect.

Try giving your romantic love, devotion, and understanding to your own spouse. If you give that stuff to someone outside your relationship, you're dancing with the devil. You're home will become a living hell.

Until next time.
Coach Zee.

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Photo courtesy of Lisa Folios

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